Today I finished reading the book "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert. The book discussed the author's journey toward a marriage she never thought she would have and it also included her personal "research" on the subject of marriage. Gilbert attempted, as we all do at times, to find the answers to her hang-ups about marriage by learning about the history and many forms that this institution has taken.
I can sympathize with many of Gilbert's concerns. As I read her book I was caught up in a feeling of other-worldliness as I heard my own fears examined and brought forth only to really come to the conclusion, as Gilbert did, that no one can categorically define and regulate marriage. By some this act of commitment is seen as a death sentence, by others the ultimate act of love, and still others a sacred act before God.
As a woman I am, naturally, desirous of the kind of intimate communion that is inherently implied in marriage. It speaks of being known by someone and loved despite all the flaws and messiness. Having been in two failed marriages it certainly colors the glasses that I view marriage through. It is no longer just a romantic whirlwind of light nor is it pure drudgery. It is gray. Infinitely gray.
Growing up marriage was taught with the same black and white lines as the Bible stories I had memorized since grade school (and yes Bible stories are FULL of gray! Anyone who tells you otherwise is attempting to deceive you). You were to grow up, get married to a "good" Christian man (as a virgin - naturally) and have babies which you faithfully dolled up every week to go to church.
Clearly this was not my experience (and if you don't know that please read previous posts). I have pretty much utterly annihilated any version of "typical good Christian marriage". So what is left? Merely the same desire I had to begin with. I want to be known and accepted for who I am. To have a partner in this world that challenges me, pisses me off, encourages me, sleeps next to me and has the power to rip my heart to shreds...... romantic, no?
Never before in my life have I desired to surrender to someone the power to hurt me. It goes against the very grain of my independent rebellious nature to even imagine it. Any yet I know that the longer I live with walls around my heart the more likely I am to die without knowing the sweet agony/ecstasy of what love can really bring to a person. If I don't allow someone (not ANY-one mind you, but someone) to see beneath what I present to the world then I will never know for sure. I will never know if I am truly loved by them. It takes a leap of faith.... not knowing if you will reach the bottom and shatter into a million pieces or whether - miraculously - your love will be there to catch you.
In any romantic endeavor it only takes one person to pull the plug and it is O-V-E-R. But I still think it is worth it. I have lived through bad relationships. I have grown from bad relationships. I have lived without relationships. I have found solace in friends instead of a lover. I do not want to spend the rest of my earthly days without having attempted to love again. It's on my bucket list, as it were.
So I am inclined to approach this as I do with most other things. I'm gonna wing it. I am going to try, possibly fail and generally write my own rules about what I think love can be and what it can look like. I don't want my love to be defined by someone else. If it's going to work it has to be mine. If there is one thing I know about myself it is that I must explore my own path and be able to get a little (ok, a LOT) creative with the rules of any institution that would encapsulate me. I can't even picture in my head what it may look like and I think that's a good thing. To write the love story as it comes instead of expecting it to follow a prescribed course seems far more likely to be successful. Things never turn out how we fantasize them anyway.
So...... here we go...............
I can sympathize with many of Gilbert's concerns. As I read her book I was caught up in a feeling of other-worldliness as I heard my own fears examined and brought forth only to really come to the conclusion, as Gilbert did, that no one can categorically define and regulate marriage. By some this act of commitment is seen as a death sentence, by others the ultimate act of love, and still others a sacred act before God.
As a woman I am, naturally, desirous of the kind of intimate communion that is inherently implied in marriage. It speaks of being known by someone and loved despite all the flaws and messiness. Having been in two failed marriages it certainly colors the glasses that I view marriage through. It is no longer just a romantic whirlwind of light nor is it pure drudgery. It is gray. Infinitely gray.
Growing up marriage was taught with the same black and white lines as the Bible stories I had memorized since grade school (and yes Bible stories are FULL of gray! Anyone who tells you otherwise is attempting to deceive you). You were to grow up, get married to a "good" Christian man (as a virgin - naturally) and have babies which you faithfully dolled up every week to go to church.
Clearly this was not my experience (and if you don't know that please read previous posts). I have pretty much utterly annihilated any version of "typical good Christian marriage". So what is left? Merely the same desire I had to begin with. I want to be known and accepted for who I am. To have a partner in this world that challenges me, pisses me off, encourages me, sleeps next to me and has the power to rip my heart to shreds...... romantic, no?
Never before in my life have I desired to surrender to someone the power to hurt me. It goes against the very grain of my independent rebellious nature to even imagine it. Any yet I know that the longer I live with walls around my heart the more likely I am to die without knowing the sweet agony/ecstasy of what love can really bring to a person. If I don't allow someone (not ANY-one mind you, but someone) to see beneath what I present to the world then I will never know for sure. I will never know if I am truly loved by them. It takes a leap of faith.... not knowing if you will reach the bottom and shatter into a million pieces or whether - miraculously - your love will be there to catch you.
In any romantic endeavor it only takes one person to pull the plug and it is O-V-E-R. But I still think it is worth it. I have lived through bad relationships. I have grown from bad relationships. I have lived without relationships. I have found solace in friends instead of a lover. I do not want to spend the rest of my earthly days without having attempted to love again. It's on my bucket list, as it were.
So I am inclined to approach this as I do with most other things. I'm gonna wing it. I am going to try, possibly fail and generally write my own rules about what I think love can be and what it can look like. I don't want my love to be defined by someone else. If it's going to work it has to be mine. If there is one thing I know about myself it is that I must explore my own path and be able to get a little (ok, a LOT) creative with the rules of any institution that would encapsulate me. I can't even picture in my head what it may look like and I think that's a good thing. To write the love story as it comes instead of expecting it to follow a prescribed course seems far more likely to be successful. Things never turn out how we fantasize them anyway.
So...... here we go...............
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