Joyful Surrender

 {Note to the reader: Since this isn't a blog geared towards children I operate under the assumption that adults can handle the truth of the following information (or stop reading)}


Last weekend I had the rare and wonderful privilege of seeing how far I have come in my faith. To understand fully, you must have a little background. 


For most people, when they graduate from high school they are thrust out into the world to discover themselves, it took me ten years. This is not to say that I have arrived at my permanent state of being, merely that I am now comfortable with who God made me. I see myself as having intrinsic value, simply because God loves me. I no longer require outside approval to feel good about myself. I have learned to stand up for myself as well as learn from others who truly know better than I do about a great many things. I know that God has a plan for me that I am happy to follow and this brings me infinite joy. But before that........


I spent those ten years dead certain that I knew better than God, on just about every topic. I spent those ten years drinking, smoking, having sex, partying, using "gateway" drugs and getting married to and having children by two different men. Not exactly what you would expect of a "good Christian girl" raised in the church and private school. I sought to drowned out sorrow, rejection, thumb my nose at those that judged my lifestyle and prove them all wrong. I thought that I would show them that I could live how I chose and still be just as good as they were.


In the category of life lessons hard learned, trusting God with my entire life is certainly mine.  Even through that decade of debauchery I never denied him, I was not living for him, but I knew that he had bled for me. I was just positive that I knew better. And in the times that I would make pleas to the Lord to change my life God repeated one phrase to me, "Give it all up to me". And I never could. I would weep and pray more, then drink more, take more anti-anxiety medications and just keep saying, "I can't! What if you want something of me that I am not willing to give?" I was certain that how I was living was not please to the Lord, but I refused to give it up for fear of truly losing the battle. I wouldn't know who I was without all those trappings, friends, actions, and coping mechanisms. 


Upon the demise of my second marriage I sought true solace in faith. I became a part of the wonderful church which I now attend (pain level permitting). I began to rebuild my relationship with the Lord and last weekend had an eye opening experience. I have mentioned before that I have rheumatoid arthritis, spreading around my body, rapidly seeking to kill both my joints and my spirit. I was praying my typical prayer for my health when it dawned on me.........


In the year plus since my diagnosis I have never ONCE asked God to heal me. NEVER. I was blown away by this simple fact. Knowing, as I now do, that God's way is infinitely higher than mine, it never occurred to me to ask him to take this away from me. My prayer has always been, and will continue to be, to be able to accept it with joy. I pray for strength to make it through the day and to someday come to the place where I can thank him for my arthritis. I believe that God has allowed this to happen in my life for a reason and that I would be remiss in my walk with him if I did not turn it into an opportunity to share my faith and be an example. I don't desire to change his plan. I simply ask for his help as I go through it. I was ecstatic as God revealed to me just how far I'd come, from living a life drenched in sin and refusing to give him any Lordship over my life, to being able to accept a diagnosis that may one day make the dreams that I have for my life impossible. It truly doesn't matter. God's dreams are so much cooler than my dreams anyway! 


I hope that each and every one of you has found a way to rest in who the Lord made you. I pray that you will be able to see how far you have come in your faith. Ask for this blessing. He is waiting to encourage you!