I want to warn you right up front that I have not posted anything in a while because I was unclear of how to explain this post.
I have written on this blog for over a year now and I have been lucky to have so many people read it. I hoped, originally, that writing out some of my fears and frustrations with fundamentalist Christianity (primarily) would help alleviate and salve some wounds that I have born at the hands of Christians. I also hoped that it would bring comfort to others to hear a honest voice coming from within the Christian community.
This current journey all truly started a year ago with my intention to leave my home church. I was convinced to stay there but knew that going forward spiritual growth would be more up to me than I had previously practiced. So..... I started out by reading a book about church history.
And was horrified. The sheer amount of blood shed at the hands of a self-righteous church was really staggering to me. It was staggering and eye-opening when I realized that much of what was being fought about was Biblical interpretation. This war rages on still today and thus so many factions in the current-state church (but I digress).
After reading that church history book with all it's bloody battles over the Bible, I began to wonder about how the Bible was fashioned. I read several books of various interpretations that attempted to explain how the Bible was put together, what was edited, what was debated and what was left out. One book in particular really talked about the attempts to get the Bible back to the "original" state and why that was not possible considering how many different versions of all of the books there were. It spoke of Biblical contradictions and, being dutiful, I did not take the author's word for it but read the Biblical passages myself (in multiple versions no less). I came, just by basic reading, to see that the Bible does in fact very clearly contradict itself in many places. I have always been lead to believe that the Bible was inerrant (without error) and it shook my faith to the core to learn that this is not even close to true (not even in the "original" form as there is no proof of what that form was).
This, of course, naturally lead me to wonder..... what else was not true that I had been taking for granted? I began reading other books, about post-evangelicalism, ex-Christians and why people turn away from Christianity. All interesting books to be sure and yet I continued attending church, though I was feeling more and more uncomfortable with the stances taken there.
I can certainly see why the church has to say that the Bible is God-inspired and absolutely correct because to start without that assumption negates a great deal of what the church stands for. But I don't believe it any more. The more I read of the Bible the more I realized that the Old Testament God and the New Testament God were really nothing like each other. It is very clear that while sandwiched together these two testaments are a completely different world view. I won't really go into all of the rest of the reasons why I think this is so, because it is so much to wrap the brain around and, let's face it, any Christian reading this right now is pretty sure I am headed down the path to hell.
It is a strange thing to believe and take for granted your whole life that Jesus died to save you from your sins and then look at that same sacrifice and think only "What kind of all-loving God demands the human sacrifice murder of their own child to assuage their anger?" I can't even tell you how weird that is. I had always just "known" it to be true and it didn't seem weird at the time nor primitive to me at all.
What I know at this point is that I no longer believe that the Bible is without error. I no longer believe that Jesus is the one and only way to God. I believe that he created a cult offshoot of Judaism and that this cult has become wildly popular and that he wanted his followers to obey what he taught at all costs. At all costs - seriously - read some history of the church if you dare. I know that an "all-loving" God (NT) who commands genocide like in the Old Testament doesn't add up for me. I know that I have believed for a long time that there is not just one way to God. Even the Bible states different things about what it takes to be truly saved (and none of them talk about "asking Jesus into your heart" by the way). I know that I believe in equality for all people including those the church casts out. I know that many people will not understand and feel compelled to convince me to return to the faith (rest assured that this will not be well-received). I know that I still believe in God and that He is the same one that I have been praying to for all these years. I know that absolute truth exists whether we understand it or not and that just because something makes sense now doesn't mean it will make sense later. I think that giant life decisions (such as abandoning your childhood faith) should not be taken lightly or carelessly.
Much of the reason for my silence on all of this was fear of the repercussions. I still fear them. I fear rejection from my friends and family that will not understand or approve of my thoughts. I fear that I will be potentially losing people in my life that I will care about. I fear what my parents will think because I do not want them to feel pained on my behalf. I fear that people will say that I "must never have really been a Christian".
I write all this only to say that this will be my last post on this blog for the title is really no longer fitting. I guess that you could say that I have ended my faith relationship with Jesus and as such I can no longer accurately refer to myself as a Christian. The irony of that statement is that I feel as though with the releasing of this faith, I am coming home to a place that is so much more closely aligned with what I have thought/felt and believed about God all along.
(A few weeks go by and I read this post again and close with this)
I am grateful for anyone who has taken any time at all to read my thoughts. I wish you well on your journey and pray that you will find the peace that you long for. May you feel secure in your faith...whatever that may look like.
I have written on this blog for over a year now and I have been lucky to have so many people read it. I hoped, originally, that writing out some of my fears and frustrations with fundamentalist Christianity (primarily) would help alleviate and salve some wounds that I have born at the hands of Christians. I also hoped that it would bring comfort to others to hear a honest voice coming from within the Christian community.
This current journey all truly started a year ago with my intention to leave my home church. I was convinced to stay there but knew that going forward spiritual growth would be more up to me than I had previously practiced. So..... I started out by reading a book about church history.
And was horrified. The sheer amount of blood shed at the hands of a self-righteous church was really staggering to me. It was staggering and eye-opening when I realized that much of what was being fought about was Biblical interpretation. This war rages on still today and thus so many factions in the current-state church (but I digress).
After reading that church history book with all it's bloody battles over the Bible, I began to wonder about how the Bible was fashioned. I read several books of various interpretations that attempted to explain how the Bible was put together, what was edited, what was debated and what was left out. One book in particular really talked about the attempts to get the Bible back to the "original" state and why that was not possible considering how many different versions of all of the books there were. It spoke of Biblical contradictions and, being dutiful, I did not take the author's word for it but read the Biblical passages myself (in multiple versions no less). I came, just by basic reading, to see that the Bible does in fact very clearly contradict itself in many places. I have always been lead to believe that the Bible was inerrant (without error) and it shook my faith to the core to learn that this is not even close to true (not even in the "original" form as there is no proof of what that form was).
This, of course, naturally lead me to wonder..... what else was not true that I had been taking for granted? I began reading other books, about post-evangelicalism, ex-Christians and why people turn away from Christianity. All interesting books to be sure and yet I continued attending church, though I was feeling more and more uncomfortable with the stances taken there.
I can certainly see why the church has to say that the Bible is God-inspired and absolutely correct because to start without that assumption negates a great deal of what the church stands for. But I don't believe it any more. The more I read of the Bible the more I realized that the Old Testament God and the New Testament God were really nothing like each other. It is very clear that while sandwiched together these two testaments are a completely different world view. I won't really go into all of the rest of the reasons why I think this is so, because it is so much to wrap the brain around and, let's face it, any Christian reading this right now is pretty sure I am headed down the path to hell.
It is a strange thing to believe and take for granted your whole life that Jesus died to save you from your sins and then look at that same sacrifice and think only "What kind of all-loving God demands the human sacrifice murder of their own child to assuage their anger?" I can't even tell you how weird that is. I had always just "known" it to be true and it didn't seem weird at the time nor primitive to me at all.
What I know at this point is that I no longer believe that the Bible is without error. I no longer believe that Jesus is the one and only way to God. I believe that he created a cult offshoot of Judaism and that this cult has become wildly popular and that he wanted his followers to obey what he taught at all costs. At all costs - seriously - read some history of the church if you dare. I know that an "all-loving" God (NT) who commands genocide like in the Old Testament doesn't add up for me. I know that I have believed for a long time that there is not just one way to God. Even the Bible states different things about what it takes to be truly saved (and none of them talk about "asking Jesus into your heart" by the way). I know that I believe in equality for all people including those the church casts out. I know that many people will not understand and feel compelled to convince me to return to the faith (rest assured that this will not be well-received). I know that I still believe in God and that He is the same one that I have been praying to for all these years. I know that absolute truth exists whether we understand it or not and that just because something makes sense now doesn't mean it will make sense later. I think that giant life decisions (such as abandoning your childhood faith) should not be taken lightly or carelessly.
Much of the reason for my silence on all of this was fear of the repercussions. I still fear them. I fear rejection from my friends and family that will not understand or approve of my thoughts. I fear that I will be potentially losing people in my life that I will care about. I fear what my parents will think because I do not want them to feel pained on my behalf. I fear that people will say that I "must never have really been a Christian".
I write all this only to say that this will be my last post on this blog for the title is really no longer fitting. I guess that you could say that I have ended my faith relationship with Jesus and as such I can no longer accurately refer to myself as a Christian. The irony of that statement is that I feel as though with the releasing of this faith, I am coming home to a place that is so much more closely aligned with what I have thought/felt and believed about God all along.
(A few weeks go by and I read this post again and close with this)
I am grateful for anyone who has taken any time at all to read my thoughts. I wish you well on your journey and pray that you will find the peace that you long for. May you feel secure in your faith...whatever that may look like.
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