Desperate for God

I read a book not long ago that posed the question "What does it mean to love God?"

What does it mean to love God? It seems like such a simple question that should have an equally simple answer and yet, I found that the only thing that came to my mind - and simultaneously appalled me was - "I obey him". I don't know if that strikes anyone else as profoundly sad but it sure did when I thought it. 

To love God must surely be so much more than simply (or not so simply) to obey Him. It MUST be. How do you define the love of an all-powerful, all-knowing, perfect God? It really isn't easy and so in my basest of mind I defined it by one of the strongest feelings I have. Fear. For when I think of obeying God I think of a parent and when I think of a parent I think of obeying to avoid punishment. And when I think all that through it just makes me ache for I know that there is more to the love of God than this.

I don't want to just "obey" God. I want to know Him. I want to love Him because I am intimate with Him. God knows all about me. What do I really know of Him? Of His thoughts, His feelings about things, of all those things that we so eagerly seek out in the search for a mate in this life? I feel as though I need to go on a first date with Jesus. To simply relish being in His presence.

He has detailed out so much of what I seek in His Word. How often do I delve into it just trying to know my God better? Have I ever done that? Probably not. I usually read the Bible to discover something to help myself feel better or to give me direction. What if I were better able to know the direction that God wants me to go because I understand (as much as any of us are able to in this limited brain of ours) so much of His ways and His character that it seems obvious what God would have me do? I don't even know if this is possible but I don't want to go to heaven not even remotely knowing the God I'm doing this all for. I think that it is possible to be spiritually intertwined with God, to be so close that I can feel His breath on me, to not just imagine that I hear His voice..........

I am seeking something deeper than I have ever hoped for. I am seeking Christ above all. To know Him. I need to know Him. I am desperate to know Him.