I am selfish. There, I said it. In my hiatus of blog writing I have spent much time in self-reflection and have come to the conclusion that I am, at heart, an entirely selfish human being. I don't mean to be. Honestly, it just seeps out of my pores and into so many aspects of my life.
Growing up it raised my hackles to see "good Christian folk" who ran themselves ragged trying to be a "servant of the Lord" at the expense of themselves, their family and their sanity. It seemed completely illogical to me that God would want us to serve others to the point of harming ourselves, our resources and those we love. I still think this is true...... just not to the extent I used to.
You see, in my time away from this blog, I have deepened a romantic attachment that has shown me new ways of being and has convicted me to the core about my selfishness. This man in my life has a true servant-heart. Something I feel that, at times, I lack. Watching him serve others is a beautiful thing. He cares so deeply for the needs of those around him that I cannot help but be in awe. In contrast, I've always been more of a "take-care-of-your-own-needs-unless-you're-in-a-real-crisis" kind of girl. But I am learning. I have seen how damaging that attitude of mine can be in many areas of my life. I have seen how often I brush someone aside thinking that I "have enough on my plate right now" (and while that may be true how much of that stuff is really about serving the Lord ---- is it just my own needs I am serving???)
I have been tested in my new resolve to make sure that I am "seek(ing) first His kingdom and His righteousness" (Matt 6:33). And let me tell you, it has not been easy. I have to pray pretty darn often for the Lord to soften my heart for those in need. Towards my girls, strangers, people in church and in the workplace I am working on my attitude and how often I default to serving my own interests instead of others.
Serving the needs of others grates against our sinful nature (or at least mine). I suppose I am afraid that if I don't meet my own needs then they just won't get met.
<Pause>
...... OK, saying that just sounded like such an awful statement that I had to pause. What a horrid and utter lack of faith on my part! Has God EVER failed to meet my needs? No. Not once. This is my epiphany. I am selfish because I lack faith that God will meet my needs. Despite all he has done for me and this is how I respond? This is why I must change. I MUST change. I cannot continue to profess a faith in God and not truly have faith that He is sufficient for me. He is the only one who can fulfill every need I have. Not a man. Not a friend. Not my children and certainly not myself. God. Period.
That said, my selfishness doesn't even achieve its goal! I am selfish to get my own needs met, but really if they get met in that way it will never be as good as when I let the Lord fulfill my needs. I can't do the job. God can. Jesus is the fulfillment so why do I keep trying to meet my own needs? I already know in my head that I can't. Stubbornness I guess...... but I think that's another topic. I am certain that I am not alone in my selfish ways and I suppose, as with any change, you make small steps until you succeed in your new habit. I think I'll start by giving up on a petty quibble I have been having with my love. Good start. Next step to come. Only with God's help, I pray there be more and more actions taken until it is not sinful me that people see but a servant. His servant.
Growing up it raised my hackles to see "good Christian folk" who ran themselves ragged trying to be a "servant of the Lord" at the expense of themselves, their family and their sanity. It seemed completely illogical to me that God would want us to serve others to the point of harming ourselves, our resources and those we love. I still think this is true...... just not to the extent I used to.
You see, in my time away from this blog, I have deepened a romantic attachment that has shown me new ways of being and has convicted me to the core about my selfishness. This man in my life has a true servant-heart. Something I feel that, at times, I lack. Watching him serve others is a beautiful thing. He cares so deeply for the needs of those around him that I cannot help but be in awe. In contrast, I've always been more of a "take-care-of-your-own-needs-unless-you're-in-a-real-crisis" kind of girl. But I am learning. I have seen how damaging that attitude of mine can be in many areas of my life. I have seen how often I brush someone aside thinking that I "have enough on my plate right now" (and while that may be true how much of that stuff is really about serving the Lord ---- is it just my own needs I am serving???)
I have been tested in my new resolve to make sure that I am "seek(ing) first His kingdom and His righteousness" (Matt 6:33). And let me tell you, it has not been easy. I have to pray pretty darn often for the Lord to soften my heart for those in need. Towards my girls, strangers, people in church and in the workplace I am working on my attitude and how often I default to serving my own interests instead of others.
Serving the needs of others grates against our sinful nature (or at least mine). I suppose I am afraid that if I don't meet my own needs then they just won't get met.
<Pause>
...... OK, saying that just sounded like such an awful statement that I had to pause. What a horrid and utter lack of faith on my part! Has God EVER failed to meet my needs? No. Not once. This is my epiphany. I am selfish because I lack faith that God will meet my needs. Despite all he has done for me and this is how I respond? This is why I must change. I MUST change. I cannot continue to profess a faith in God and not truly have faith that He is sufficient for me. He is the only one who can fulfill every need I have. Not a man. Not a friend. Not my children and certainly not myself. God. Period.
That said, my selfishness doesn't even achieve its goal! I am selfish to get my own needs met, but really if they get met in that way it will never be as good as when I let the Lord fulfill my needs. I can't do the job. God can. Jesus is the fulfillment so why do I keep trying to meet my own needs? I already know in my head that I can't. Stubbornness I guess...... but I think that's another topic. I am certain that I am not alone in my selfish ways and I suppose, as with any change, you make small steps until you succeed in your new habit. I think I'll start by giving up on a petty quibble I have been having with my love. Good start. Next step to come. Only with God's help, I pray there be more and more actions taken until it is not sinful me that people see but a servant. His servant.
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