The End

I want to warn you right up front that I have not posted anything in a while because I was unclear of how to explain this post. 

I have written on this blog for over a year now and I have been lucky to have so many people read it. I hoped, originally, that writing out some of my fears and frustrations with fundamentalist Christianity (primarily) would help alleviate and salve some wounds that I have born at the hands of Christians. I also hoped that it would bring comfort to others to hear a honest voice coming from within the Christian community.

This current journey all truly started a year ago with my intention to leave my home church. I was convinced to stay there but knew that going forward spiritual growth would be more up to me than I had previously practiced. So..... I started out by reading a book about church history. 

And was horrified. The sheer amount of blood shed at the hands of a self-righteous church was really staggering to me. It was staggering and eye-opening when I realized that much of what was being fought about was Biblical interpretation. This war rages on still today and thus so many factions in the current-state church (but I digress). 

After reading that church history book with all it's bloody battles over the Bible, I began to wonder about how the Bible was fashioned. I read several books of various interpretations that attempted to explain how the Bible was put together, what was edited, what was debated and what was left out. One book in particular really talked about the attempts to get the Bible back to the "original" state and why that was not possible considering how many different versions of all of the books there were. It spoke of Biblical contradictions and, being dutiful, I did not take the author's word for it but read the Biblical passages myself (in multiple versions no less). I came, just by basic reading, to see that the Bible does in fact very clearly contradict itself in many places. I have always been lead to believe that the Bible was inerrant (without error) and it shook my faith to the core to learn that this is not even close to true (not even in the "original" form as there is no proof of what that form was).

This, of course, naturally lead me to wonder..... what else was not true that I had been taking for granted? I began reading other books, about post-evangelicalism, ex-Christians and why people turn away from Christianity. All interesting books to be sure and yet I continued attending church, though I was feeling more and more uncomfortable with the stances taken there.

I can certainly see why the church has to say that the Bible is God-inspired and absolutely correct because to start without that assumption negates a great deal of what the church stands for. But I don't believe it any more. The more I read of the Bible the more I realized that the Old Testament God and the New Testament God were really nothing like each other. It is very clear that while sandwiched together these two testaments are a completely different world view. I won't really go into all of the rest of the reasons why I think this is so, because it is so much to wrap the brain around and, let's face it, any Christian reading this right now is pretty sure I am headed down the path to hell. 

It is a strange thing to believe and take for granted your whole life that Jesus died to save you from your sins and then look at that same sacrifice and think only "What kind of all-loving God demands the human sacrifice murder of their own child to assuage their anger?" I can't even tell you how weird that is. I had always just "known" it to be true and it didn't seem weird at the time nor primitive to me at all. 

What I know at this point is that I no longer believe that the Bible is without error. I no longer believe that Jesus is the one and only way to God. I believe that he created a cult offshoot of Judaism and that this cult has become wildly popular and that he wanted his followers to obey what he taught at all costs. At all costs - seriously - read some history of the church if you dare. I know that an "all-loving" God (NT) who commands genocide like in the Old Testament doesn't add up for me. I know that I have believed for a long time that there is not just one way to God. Even the Bible states different things about what it takes to be truly saved (and none of them talk about "asking Jesus into your heart" by the way). I know that I believe in equality for all people including those the church casts out. I know that many people will not understand and feel compelled to convince me to return to the faith (rest assured that this will not be well-received). I know that I still believe in God and that He is the same one that I have been praying to for all these years. I know that absolute truth exists whether we understand it or not and that just because something makes sense now doesn't mean it will make sense later. I think that giant life decisions (such as abandoning your childhood faith) should not be taken lightly or carelessly.

Much of the reason for my silence on all of this was fear of the repercussions. I still fear them. I fear rejection from my friends and family that will not understand or approve of my thoughts. I fear that I will be potentially losing people in my life that I will care about. I fear what my parents will think because I do not want them to feel pained on my behalf. I fear that people will say that I "must never have really been a Christian". 

I write all this only to say that this will be my last post on this blog for the title is really no longer fitting. I guess that you could say that I have ended my faith relationship with Jesus and as such I can no longer accurately refer to myself as a Christian. The irony of that statement is that I feel as though with the releasing of this faith, I am coming home to a place that is so much more closely aligned with what I have thought/felt and believed about God all along. 

(A few weeks go by and I read this post again and close with this)

I am grateful for anyone who has taken any time at all to read my thoughts. I wish you well on your journey and pray that you will find the peace that you long for. May you feel secure in your faith...whatever that may look like.

Christian "Shaming"

My eldest daughter is beautiful. I say this not simply from a mother perspective but because it is true. The other day she exclaimed her excitement about the fact that she had been gaining weight. She is a perfectly lovely shape as it is but she explained to me the concept of "skinny shaming" in which girls and boys (specifically in middle school as that is where she is in life) give girls grief over being "too skinny". There are so many things wrong with this on so many different levels. I will not expound on the fact that it is ridiculous that with the rise of obesity in our culture we now "shame" people about being thin and fit; however, it got me thinking about the concept of shame.

Shame is one of those feelings that everyone feels at some point but no one likes to talk about. It is something that makes us feel wrong and dirty and in error deep in our very being. The Christian belief that "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9) is an oft-quoted truth. Too bad that truth is frequently forgotten among the members of the church. I think that we are coming into a new era of church "shaming" where members of the church are more open and obnoxious about the things that they believe others should be "ashamed" of. 

Now if you've been around the church for any period of time you know that the people within its walls have always judged each other. It is simply a fact that when striving to live for the Lord many of us get a boost by comparing our spirituality to others and finding fault in order to make our spiritual lives appear superior. This is certainly not new, but I propose that in our current culture it is becoming more apparent and even more accepted within the church to publicly gossip, "shame" and judge other members of the church or members of our faith. 

Our culture today is all about spitting out whatever runs through your head. It's verbal (or written) diarrhea of sorts. In a tell-all culture it was inevitable that this would seep into the church as well. Instead of quietly gossiping about others (still bad by the way) people now feel compelled to place the judgment right out there on Facebook or Twitter or any of the other social medias. I have seen the evidence of it and the irony holds that when I see these things laid out for the world to see...... I judge the person that did it. 

There, I said it. I am equally guilty of feeling compelled to "shame" the person that felt compelled to "shame" others in a public forum. It is a self-perpetuating cycle. It angers me that in a place that is supposed to be about loving like God and following His will,  people feel compelled to publicly "shame" other believers. The truly sad part is that these people feel completely justified in their behavior. 

God has promised in His word that he forgives us and our sins are known by Him no more. Why do we are Christians feel compelled to keep pointing out what God has forgiven? It is not our place to bring shame on other believers. Ever. Seriously, even when coming to someone in love and pointing out an area of sin they may be unaware of, shame should NOT enter the picture. Yet it does. It is no wonder the Christian people don't share their struggles and their hurts when what they are likely to receive from other believers is Christian "shaming". I know that I have kept things to myself for that very reason and yet have been equally guilty of judging someone when they share a struggle. This is why believers have that "everything-is-fine-in-my-life-thanks-for-asking" mask, because if we were really honest about our struggles and sins we would get "shamed" for them. 

Obviously I have work to do in this area as well, so I am by no means attempting to lay blame on others for bad behavior. I am not pointing out the speck in someone else's eye when clearly I have a log in my own. In thinking about Christian "shaming" I am convicted to be better. The first step towards changing unwanted behavior is acknowledging the problem and so I acknowledge my tendency towards judging others. I am talking with God about it and I trust that He will lead me to a better place about it. I know that I must pray, confess and try to identify each time this happens if I hope to change. And so I write, not to point fingers but to raise awareness that Christian "shaming" is real and it is sinful. Judging others for their sins is sinful. 

So I challenge you to be more aware. Think about it this week and watch how prevalent it is.  Don't be sucked in to participating either. Observe and break the cycle. The "shaming" will continue as long as people respond in kind. Don't let that be true of you.

Maturity is:

"Maturity is: The ability to stick with a job until it's finished; the ability to do a job without being supervised; the ability to carry money without spending it and the ability to bear an injustice without wanting to get even." - Abigail Van Buren

I am deeply moved by that quote and, given its challenge, I am certain that at one point or another we have all failed to show maturity.This goes along with another thought that I have been rolling around in my head for awhile. All sin is ultimately a selfish act. Now I realize that's quite a definitive statement but I have not yet been able to come up with a sin that is not, at its core, based on selfish desire. 

And so it gets me back to the concept of maturity. As we age we think that a lot of things make us "mature" - such as bills, homes, family, marriage, the ability to take a joke. However, I wonder how much of us think of maturity as it relates to sin. Being immature is behaving like a child and it is well known that children will act impulsively and utterly selfishly until taught otherwise. Babies are not remotely interested in their mother's sleep schedule. They want food and they want it NOW. It is as children grow and are taught that other people and other people's needs matter that they begin to consider that demanding immediate gratification is not always best..........

Oh wait. I just described the behavior that I have when someone is driving down the road 15 miles under the speed limit. I want them to move and I want it NOW. Seriously.......sorry for the tangent, but you see my point. Even though we may consider ourselves mature we revert back to our childlike behavior and frequently that is when we sin. 

The last line of that quote is what really got me thinking about this yesterday. I had my feelings hurt badly last week by someone that I once considered a friend and as frequently happens in those scenarios I mull over the injustice of it in my head thinking over all the vicious things I wish I could say to the person. (By the way I realize that is totally NOT the good Christian nor the right answer, but it is an honest answer). In this case, I was challenged in my thoughts that it was selfish of me to want to speak my mind and, realistically, it was sinful too. Those thoughts I had were not kind, loving or useful for edification; they were hateful and full of spite and disdain. But in our culture it is really promoted. If you feel slighted you have the right to say something, to speak your mind, to rip them a new one...... But I know, at that moment, that I was wrong. I am not mature enough to be able to curb my selfish desire for the immediate gratification of telling that person off. I want to state my case to make myself feel better. It really isn't about hurting the person who hurt me. 

It is not wrong to stand up for something that you believe in (and rest assured I believed in my innocence in that situation) but it is sinful when our pride causes us to act selfishly and meet our immediate desire for revenge instead of keeping our eyes focused on the greater goal of pleasing God no matter the cost. It costs the loss of our will to please God. And that means not defending myself against false accusations if my only purpose is to make myself feel better in the moment. I realize that may sound odd but think about Jesus. He was the master of standing up under accusations and hate and not lashing out at people. Jesus kept his eyes focused on why he came in the first place, to save us from our selfish selves even when facing down people bent on hurting him. 

How often do we as Christians worry about our "right" to immediate gratification of our desires, whether it is food, speaking our mind, driving speed or any other number of entitlements? If we are to truly live for Christ our "rights" are forfeit. We must give up those things which we feel entitled to and live instead only by the guidelines of Christ. God doesn't give us the right to tear someone else down because they hurt us. God doesn't give us the right to get drunk and forget our problems. God doesn't give us the right to scream and wish a painful death upon the person who cut us off on the freeway; for as my daughter says to me when I'm mad at other drivers, "Mom, they can't hear you." No they can't. I am doing it purely for my own gratification. Those choices are all selfish and all are seeking the immediate gratification of our human sin nature.

While the world may tell you that you have the right to do whatever you want, as a follower of Christ you really don't. Trust me, this is not a bad thing. God does not want for us to continue to be a petulant child. He wants us to grow. He wants us to make better choices. He wants us to mature enough to give up the rights we think we have to exercise to that we may claim the promises he wants to bestow on us. It is not easy but painful. And well worth it. 

Bursting the "Christian Bubble"

I have found that throughout my adult life I frequently have to explain that I was raised "in a bubble" (meaning that I was raised in a strictly Christian environment). Growing up I do not recall knowing a single soul who did not either attend my private Christian school or go to my church (or at the very furthest, a different church). There were remarkable benefits to this system of growing up. I was surrounded by like-minded folks and had a strong moral base. There were also a great many things that, for better or worse, I missed out on (like most movies, popular music, and a general sense of the real world).

Now, of course, if you have been reading my blog for any period of time you know that as soon as I turned 18, I ran from all of that at top speed. Recently, I was thinking of the story of Zacchaeus and the concept of living in the "Christian bubble". Jesus very openly spent time with some of the most despised people of his day. He ate with Zacchaeus (ancient-day IRS man and totally hated). He healed the daughter of a Roman centurion (ancient-day politician and equally hated). He hung out with beggars and prostitutes (no ancient-day translation necessary - we still have those and they are frequently looked down upon). These were clearly not the most beloved spiritual folk of the day; nope, those were the Pharisees, Sadducees, etc. What time did Jesus reserve for them? Well he called them a den of thieves and messed up their temple in a righteous rage...... Not exactly sitting down for tea. 

Jesus spent his time out among the masses of ordinary folks, those people going about their normal lives with normal problems. They were the people he focused his time and message on. And yet in the church today there is a disturbing trend. I see it come from many different walks of life, those who were raised in the church as well as those who come to faith later. The trend I refer to is that of deliberately choosing to isolate oneself in the Christian bubble. 

The most common thread of thought that I hear among these folks is that the world is turning evil and they must protect themselves from it's deadly influence and those "of the world" in order not to sin. To which my first thought is, "Ummmm, the world has been "going evil" since the original sin but whatever." That said, the concept of protecting oneself from a sinful world and it's influences isn't necessarily bad in and of itself. For example, I choose not to watch horror movies because, frankly, they give me nightmares and I don't want those horrible thoughts in my head. Nothing wrong with that. The error is when people become so focused on self-protection that they isolate themselves from a world in need of God's grace. Self-protection can start with good intentions and quickly become a crutch that negates the power of God to help us live our Christian lives outside the bubble. If you must permanently isolate yourself from everything not "Christian" in order to maintain your faith then your faith is having cardiac arrest. You need resuscitation.

When Christians create a bubble, filled only with church goers and church functions, they are missing a key element of the Christian life. Bettering our faith requires not just Bible study and worship services but taking all the things that we learn during those activities and actually putting them into practice with those outside the church. Whenever I hear someone talk about the church functions they have going every night and all their other activities, it sounds a bit like bragging.......They sound a bit like the Pharisees. As James says, "So you see, it isn't just enough to have faith. Faith that doesn't show itself by good deeds is no faith at all - it is dead and useless" (James 2:17 NLT).

The Christian church cannot afford to turn into a giant religious entity that shrouds it's members from the rest of the world like some kind of secret society. Christianity is meant to be practiced out in the general population as a display of faith and life lived within God's grace. This doesn't mean that we condone sinful actions but it does mean that we are actually around to serve God's purpose in the midst of them. 

I think that everyone, at some point, needs some time of spiritual retreat and/or isolation (Jesus took his time in the desert before starting his ministry). I think though that people linger there, settling in because it's way more comfortable to act Christian among Christians and say you are protecting yourself from sin when you are really keeping yourself from fulfilling God's purpose for you out in the world. Do not let fear keep you inside the bubble. Do not think you are more righteous for being in there. It's time to follow Christ's example and head out into the world. It's time to not turn your children's eyes away from those in need, those cries for help that don't appeal to your Christian sensibilities. Jesus came for them too. He died for them too. Do not be selfish enough to think that you are "above" them in any way. You are not. Put your faith into action and burst the bubble.

Honoring the blood shed

Today, in America, we celebrate Memorial Day. It is a time that is meant for us to honor those people who fought and have died in the many wars/conflicts that have purchased our freedom. Many people think of the armed forces when we remember this and they are undoubtedly the majority of the individuals who have suffered for the freedoms we currently enjoy. Today I am also thoughtful of others who have died for freedoms we now possess (or in some cases are currently working on). I think of Martin Luther King Jr., Matthew Sheppard and Jesus Christ.

You see, there is no freedom I enjoy today that was not bought by blood. The freedom to practice religion. The freedom to raise my children on my own. The freedom from sin and the ultimate penalty of death. I know that some don't believe that Jesus' blood has anything to do with them. They believe that they are good enough on their own to make it by. I admit, that for the period of my life when I rejected all that Christ had done for me, I felt the same. And now I realize....

If you fail to acknowledge the egregiousness of your sin you won't appreciate the beauty of grace. We are sinful people. We wrong people and God all the time despite our best efforts. When you look yourself square in the face and acknowledge the bad that you have done that you usually try and hide from yourself, you will realize that you need help. That help can only come from Jesus. After you've tried a million other ways to feel better, why not try faith in God? 

For it is folly to downplay our sinfulness because it cheapens the sacrifice of Christ. Without seeing it (the blot of sin on us) we don't feel the need for Jesus. It is hard to acknowledge that we really don't possess within us the power to earn salvation. We are a can-do type of people but we will fail. Christ went to war for us, for me. He fought the battle of the ages in order to give us freedom through his bloodshed. He didn't have to do it, just as our soldiers and freedom fighters didn't have to fight for the cause they believed so much in. Christ believed that you were worth dying for. That's how much it meant to him to give you freedom. 

The Christian life is not easy but it IS freedom from the oppression of sin. You can have joy and know that you are forgiven and that you now have the right to be with God in heaven and experience Him here on earth. There is no greater sacrifice. There is no greater love. All you have to do is claim the freedom, the sacrifice. Live under the auspices of God's grace. It really is simple. (He did all the hard stuff himself so that we wouldn't have to). So consider today the freedoms we enjoy thanks to the sacrifice of many and salvation thanks to the sacrifice of one. 

Entitlement Epidemic

"Perhaps the most basic belief underlying all of our feelings of entitlement, our 'if onlies,' and even our illusions, is the belief that life should please us, that life should be comfortable. All of our resistance to life is rooted in our wanting life to be pleasing, comfortable, and safe. When life doesn't give us what we want — the job that isn't satisfying, the relationship that isn't quite working, the body that ages and breaks down — we resist. Our resistance can manifest as anger, or fear, or self-pity, or depression, but whatever forms it takes, it blocks our ability to experience true contentment. We see our discomfort as the problem: yet it's the belief that we can't be happy if we're uncomfortable that is much more of a problem than the discomfort itself."
— Ezra Bayda in Beyond Happiness: The Zen Way to True Contentment"

I thought that the quote above was quite appropriate for some thoughts I have been having regarding prayer. Many of us have bemoaned the fact that children today (and I would venture adults now as well) are living with a sense of entitlement like the one so well-decribed above. I think that as Christians sometimes we feel that we are "above" such entitlement because we are grateful to God for his many blessings.

But there is a flaw in that logic. Being grateful for current blessings doesn't necessarily mean that you don't have a sense of entitlement. That's like saying that a child is happy as long as they get what they want - of course they will be happy but see what happens when you take what they want away. As it is with children so it is with adults, the real truth about entitlement comes out when you lose something. How do you respond? 

Let me give you an example. A dear, sweet friend of mine was recently diagnosed with pretty aggressive cancer. She shared this with our Bible study and immediately the response was to lay hands on her in prayer and the prayers went something like this, "Jesus, please heal her. We know you can and we are believing that you will take this all away and that there will be no more cancer." Not inherently a bad prayer but believe you me the prayer that was running through my mind was more along the lines of "Dear Jesus, please grant her strength. Prove that you've got this all under control and may she feel your presence whatever happens. This may cost her her very life and please just help her know that you will be there."

Do you see the difference? I do feel compelled to point out that praying for healing is not necessarily bad but I feel that it should be tempered with an asking for God's will to be done. I also REALLY badly want my friend to be healed from her illness but I can't bring myself to pray as if that's the only option that God has. When we get bad news many times the response is to immediately pray for the badness to go away. Why is that? Because we are entitled. We believe that we have a right to be comfortable and healthy and have enough money so when struggles come our way our instinct is to pray for relief.

I don't think that it is good for our faith to always ask to be delivered from hard things. I think it is a human response and it's certainly not sinful (for even Jesus asked if the cup that had been given to Him by the Father could be removed) but as with Christ we should be asking for God's will and not our own. So think about that the next time you pray for deliverance. Have you learned the lesson God has for you in this struggle? Are you better for it? Do you believe that God will take your struggle away when and if he chooses and that whatever that may be is OK with you? Stopping the spread of entitlement starts with us - believers on our knees - praying for God's will and not ours - everyday.

For Jules: With Love

There are very few things that upset me faster than someone who is hateful and judgmental and in no other arena is this more apparent to me than when it comes to homosexuality/bisexuality/transgender issues.

I have a dear and beloved friend who is currently transitioning from male to female and she is in a committed relationship with her partner (male) and has been since long before she began her transition. This lady has listened to me cry, vent my spleen, talk about God, cuss like a sailor and be ecstatic with praise. She has loved and supported me through a great many things. When she first told me that she was going to transition it just made perfect sense. "Yes," I thought, "I can see that. I may not know how but I will love you and support you forever." It was vastly important to me that I be there for her because I knew it would be hard. I couldn't even imagine how hard but that's what friends do; they support each other. 

My daughter's attend the Gay Pride Parade here in Portland every year. It happens on Father's Day and their dad takes them just to show them a good time and teach them to support others. I think it's fantastic! I do not want to raise my children to judge people. The Bible clearly says that only God should be doing the judging. 

I realize that many people will feel that I am way off base here. That's fine. I think it's important to note that I fully believe everything that the Bible says about homosexuality, I just think that it's intensely wrong to force those who don't believe in the Bible to live by it's precepts. That's a good portion of my worldview in a nutshell. I do my best to live by the Bible because I have chosen to believe in Jesus and so part of that is trying to live according to His Word. But I have a real problem when Christians attempt to force Biblical law on people that don't believe in Jesus/God. Why do we do this? There is no logic in it. I don't want a person of another faith attempting to control my choices based on a sacred document that I totally don't believe in. I would be livid! And so I do not do that to others either. 

There is nothing holy about forcing things upon people in this way. God gives each one free will and it is up to us to decide what to do with it. I will tell you too that this approach of mine has led to far more open and cheerful discussions about faith than I am betting resulted from someone picketing/judging a person for their beliefs. My friend I first mentioned and I have talked about faith a bunch. She knows I go to church. I talk about Bible study. She talks about the parts of faith that she likes and has even pondered going to church just to check it out again. I don't say any of this to indicate that I am attempting to subversively convert here. Just that by showing love it can create a much better picture of what people of faith can truly be. I don't want Christian to be synonymous with hate and judgment and yet for many people in the LGBT community that is all they get from the church. It's really sad. 

Whatever the reason was that people of the church thought that they should be forcing their beliefs on others (and incidentally it was the forcing of belief upon people that led to the founding of this country - amongst other things), I really think it should stop. Let's just love others as we would ourselves. I want people to love me in spite of how they feel about my choices and so that's what I put out into the world. 

I hope this post has made you think even a little bit about how you view those around you. It is vitally important. People's very lives depend on it.